“I’m taking a shower. And when I’ve done that, I’m going to conquer the world.”

Justin’s rating: The Goonies meets Weird Science: The Ultimate Crossover!

Justin’s review: Discuss with the rest of the class: Which old public domain franchise has been worked over the worst — King Arthur or Robin Hood? There’s a strong case to be made for both sides as Hollywood’s been endlessly plundering those legends for easy profits while the world outside of England is going, “We have myths too!”

I feel sorry for them both but even sorrier for audiences who have to trudge through joyless remakes that promise the “real” story with a grimdark overlay. But if we rewind the clock far enough, at least we can arrive in an era where cheesy filmmaking often produced gaudy, light-hearted versions of these tales. For this, we need to go back to 2001, where The Sorcerer’s Apprentice snuck into video stores and tried to dupe mothers into renting it for their long-suffering children.

And boy those kids were in for a whopping disappointment, because this chucks any prospect of medieval battles out the window in favor for yet another “Merlin in modern times” approach. I mean, we got one of those just a year earlier, and that was more than enough to hold us over until the 2050s.

The gist of this Oscar-nominated masterpiece is that Morgana (Kelly LeBrock, Weird Science) comes forward in time to obtain a super-duper-powerful staff that an Irish Merlin (Robert Davi, Die Hard) uses for his daily constitutionals around the countryside. The gravity of this gripping conflict sucks in Ben (Byron Taylor), a grumpy teen whose hormones are apparently conflicting with his ability to speak with a British accent.

If you see this — and you probably won’t — I guarantee that you’ll feel the overpowering urge to find a heavy down pillow and put your shoulder into bringing it around to connect with the side of Ben’s head after his second smarmy remark. WHAP. Trust me, he deserves it… and more.

Anyway, Merlin (accidentally? on purpose? it’s not clear?) doses Ben with the staff’s power rays, giving him the ability to become a wizard in his own right. So while Merlin apprentices Ben in the saddest Karate Kid homage ever, Morgana sends her cat-man and mouse-man familiars to spy on them and find out where the staff is.

Because we’re talking about a film that can’t even be bothered to make it a full hour-and-a-half, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice doesn’t have time to train Ben Hogwarts-style. Rather, Merlin keeps telling him to “BELIEVE” (in what? shut up, just beeeelieeeeeeve) to reshape reality with his discerning teenage mind.

While the movie jumps up and down to make us pay attention to Ben’s budding romance with a fellow classmate, Ben’s attitude about having to move to this definitely-not-South-African town, Ben’s ’90s haircut, and Ben’s gradual mastery of magical powers, I’d bet most of us are far more interested to see LeBrock and Davi work their own spell. Granted, it’s a difficult one that attempts to take a bland, predictable storyline and wring a few entertaining moments from it. These two deserve better than being stuck doing community service with this punk.

Davi may be affecting a pretty silly Irish accent, but he’s still the powerhouse character actor he’s always been. I actually like him as Merlin, as he’s less a crotchety Gandalf and more of a showtunes-singing stage magician. And LeBrock, the crush of many teen boys in the ’80s, still has a way to make a heart skip with a sly grin and sweeping gesture.

(Apropos of nothing, I like the scenes where LeBrock’s hair is straight over this weird fluffy perm that she affects in her full-on evil mode.)

In a film full of poorly animated magic, these two actors are the only tricks The Sorcerer’s Apprentice has up its sleeve. Well, that and a crazy hilarious bike chase scene that resulted in the death and dismemberment of most of the child actors involved. This should’ve been all about an epic, time-hopping showdown between two legendary magicians — not a stretch of community service watching puberty play out.

Intermission!

• So many torch mobs back in the day
• Only in movies does everyone show up to their new house without ever having seen it before
• This brat is disappointed in a massive, multi-building homestead?
• “Magic is not a game of tricks for children,” Merlin says as he does a trick for a child.
• These school uniforms look so uncomfortable
• Pretty sure that kid is painting with no paint
• “Don’t think, boy. Do.”
• Ben spying on Merlin from a tree
• Enjoy these extensive shots of a kid’s pants crotch
• BIKE CHASE
• This movie completely forgets about Ben’s parents after a while
• “Truce?” High-Five!
• Merlin’s true form is… Moses?