“I’m in Texas. And when in Texas, I dress like a Texan.”

Drake’s rating: I like it when things go boom!

Drake’s review: Nineteen eighty-nine was a pretty big year for action movies. A certain caped crusader swept into the theaters amid much anticipation, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover teamed up to fight crime once again and Harrison Ford closed out the decade by punching Nazis in the face in his third go round as Indiana Jones. Now if you’re looking to market your little independent flick against such stiff competition, what do you do?

Honestly, I have no idea. Neither, it seems, did the promotional team behind Action U.S.A., because it went largely unseen during its theatrical run then disappeared from sight for 30 years. And that’s a shame, as this is a low-budget romp with stunt work that would be at home in any multi-million dollar action epic.

Helmed by professional stuntman John Stewart, Action U.S.A. is exactly the kind of movie you’d expect a stuntman to direct. Light on dialogue but heavy on gunfights, car chases, and explosions, this is the action extravaganza almost every 12-year-old boy with a movie camera dreams of making. Dangerous stunts and practical FX are the rule of the day here, and Stewart revels in it.

Oh, and he also likes setting things on fire. Cars burn up like campfire marshmallows in Action U.S.A.

So do stuntmen, for that matter.

What’s that? You’re wondering if there’s a story attached to all this mayhem? Of course there is! Granted, it could be sketched out on the back of a business card, but in between the violence and chaos the actors do go to locations and say lines. And when that’s over and done with, something blows up. It might be a car, it might be a house, but trust me, something will blow up.

So our tale begins with a dudebro whizzing down the road in a tricked-out Corvette with his ‘80s-attired girlfriend, as a hair metal ballad wails away on the soundtrack. Unfortunately, shortly after arriving at home for some sexy funtime, their private party is broken up by a pair of thugs who break in, punch the girlfriend, and stash the dudebro in the trunk of their car.

One little punch isn’t going to stop our heroine, though, and she gives chase in her Porsche 914. Even when the thugs take to the air in a helicopter she follows them. And admittedly, they’re pretty easy to spot since they’re dangling poor dudebro out of the chopper as they question him.

Dudebro gets dropped into a river, his girlfriend picks him up, and the chase continues. Cue gunshots, squealing tires, a high-speed pursuit through a parking garage (and down a city sidewalk), an airborne Porsche landing in the middle of a traffic jam and a Mercedes crashing through an RV, and congratulations! You’ve just made it through the first fifteen minutes of Action U.S.A.

As the dudebro’s girlfriend Carmen (Barri Murphy) comes under the protection of a pair of FBI agents, the story begins to take shape. Dudebro was into some shady dealings and the two feds, Osborn (Gregory Scott Cummins) and Panama (William Hubbard Knight), need to keep Carmen in protective custody until they can get her to safety. Which, in this case, means getting her out of Texas and away from the long reach of Frankie (Cameron Mitchell), the vicious crime boss who wants her dead.

Unable to get a flight out since that would end this flick about 30 minutes in, Osborn, Panama and Carmen drive through Texas pursued by killer-for-hire Drago, who’s been put on Frankie’s payroll to make sure Carmen never talks. And considering Drago is played by B-movie veteran Ross Hagen, you just know it’s going to be tough to escape from the Lone Star State unscathed.

In spite of its low budget, Action U.S.A. is a good-looking movie. Stewart keeps the camera moving with the action and peoples the film with established talent like Hagen, Mitchell, Hoke Howell and the legendary William Smith, all of whom seem to be having a great time playing cinematic cops-and-robbers.

The younger cast is game as well. Cummins, who would play the rogue army pilot AWOL in Stone Cold two years later, is a good lead here. Scruffy and unkempt, he’s obviously the “plays by his own rules” cop compared to Knight’s slightly more straight-laced Panama. The roles are thin but the two actors make the most of them, and have a natural camaraderie on screen. And for her part, Carmen is no shrinking violet. Murphy plays her as tough and confident, and it becomes evident early on that she is definitely a fellow lead rather than a damsel in distress.

Budgeted at less than a half-million dollars and shot in a ridiculous 18 days, Action U.S.A. is an ‘80s thrill ride that starts out at freeway speed and then just mashes that gas pedal relentlessly down. If you’re in the mood for some high-octane fun, then grab an oversized bucket of popcorn and settle in for a good time. Unless you suffer from pyrophobia, you’ll be glad you did!

Intermission!

• The supercharger on that Corvette reeks of overcompensation.
• Hanging out of a helicopter upside-down. Stuntmen really earn their pay in this movie.
• A bubble bath for three? Who says crime doesn’t pay?
• Surviving a car crash only to catch on fire. It was not that guy’s lucky day.
• A fight breaks out? In a cowboy bar? Why, that never happens!
• Carmen mixes a mean Molotov.
• Pro stuntman tip: If you’re ever on fire, jump off the bridge and into the river several stories below.