“In fact, you’re on permanent detention.”

Drake’s rating: Accept no substitutions

Drake’s review: Bend, Oregon is a fairly quiet little town. Starting life as a logging community, in the years since it has become quite a tourist spot thanks to its location in central Oregon. You have access to hiking, fishing, skiing and snowboarding. The Tumalo Falls are a scenic destination just 15 miles from town in the Deshutes National Forest. There’s a volcanic monument and brewery tours. Bend’s most famous resident was probably George Putnam, whose claim to fame was being married to Amelia Earhart.

But in 1999, according to this movie made in 1994, Bend is a wretched hive of scum and villainy, its schools overrun by punks, cretins and misanthropes. And who (or maybe what) is more qualified to bring order and discipline to this apocalyptic hellhole than a military android posing as a substitute teacher? Enter John Bolen (Sasha Mitchell), who is just such an android. After blowing up four troublemakers, Bolen pats himself on the back for a job well done and heads off to Monroeville, CA in search of another batch of hoodlums to obliterate.

So feel free to ignore my Bend travelogue, since Class of 1999 II: The Substitute just blithely moves on from woodsy Oregon to woodsy California. I’m not bitter. Not at all.

In Monroeville, Bolen meets Jenna McKensie (Caitlin Dulany), a teacher being threatened by the local toughs since she’s scheduled to testify against one of them at an upcoming trial. To keep her safe, Bolen indulges in a little bit of the ultraviolence and begins killing the offending students.

On a side note, I assume their parents are okay with this as none of them are ever seen making a complaint. Monroeville must just be that kind of laid-back town. “My kid got was set on fire by a psychotic android teacher? Bummer, man. But we’ve just got to keep on keepin’ on.”

Also watching out for Jenna is her boyfriend and fellow teacher Emmet Grazer (The Wraith’s own Nick Cassavetes!), who wears flannel shirts and drives a big truck. Honestly, he would have fit right in in Bend. OK, I might be bitter. Bolen’s not fond of the competition, though, as he seemingly develops feelings for Jenna. Although he’s also considering killing her, since she knows too much about him, so it’s a complicated relationship.

In addition to all of this, Bolen is being hunted by a rogue government agent (are there any other kind in these types of movies?) who wants to find the android for nefarious reasons of his own. Which is a subplot that takes up far too much screen time considering how swiftly it’s resolved when the agent finally catches up to the android.

With Emmet having scheduled a paintball war game for the students, which seems like a hilariously bad idea given the context of the film, the students threatening Jenna sneak in to resolve the situation once and for all. But they haven’t reckoned with a killer android playing the game as well…

Badly written and badly directed, Class of 1999 II: The Substitute is, well… a bad movie. And by “bad” I really mean “Oh, it’s horrendous, but I’ve seen the complete Ed Wood filmography so my perceptions are a bit skewed and my brain is likely damaged.” The original was a fun exploitation flick buoyed by the direction of Mark Lester and with a cast that included Pam Grier, Stacy Keach and Malcolm McDowell. This one features the guy who replaced Jean Claude van Damme in the Kickboxer movies and the director of The Notebook. Except Cassavetes is unfortunately not directing this movie, as that role is filled by a stuntman. I’m pretty sure the casting decisions for this movie were made by drawing names out of a hat.

Is it worth seeing? No, of course not. Will some of you ignore my warnings and watch it anyway? I’m sure you will. Even though you’d be better off with a sight-seeing trip to Bend.

Fine, I admit it: I’m bitter.

Intermission!

• The Department of Educational Defense. Is that a subdivision of U.N.C.L.E. or S.H.I.E.L.D.?
• Orange jumpsuits for the high school kids? That never would have flown in the ‘80s. They would have all been pastels.
• OK, enough blue filter. We get it. It’s night.
• Now they’re using yellow lights against the blue filters and it’s beginning to look like one of those fever dreams you might have had as a kid home with the flu.
• Androids get PTSD? I feel the same way when exposed to old COBOL programs.
• Just hanging around outside of class. Hanging, get it? I’ll be here all night, folks.
• He’s a peeping android!
• Yes, adjust the tie after casually breaking a student’s neck. Neatness counts!
• Was that supposed to be a surprise ending? Well it was surprisingly bad.