“The queen will epitomize the highest ideals of cheerleading which are nothing than the highest ideals of mankind.”

Drake’s rating: Gimme a D! Gimme a U! Gimme another D!

Drake’s review: The slasher genre was showing some distinct wear-and-tear by 1988, and so filmmakers were looking to inject some excitement into their respective franchises. Michael Myers made his long-awaited return to the big screen in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees faced a telekinetic teen in Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood and Freddy Krueger… well, when you’re the king of the slashers, you really don’t need to change it up much, so Freddy just kept on killing kids who dared to dream.

But if you’re making a slasher unconnected to an existing franchise, going back to basics isn’t a bad idea. Get a campsite, fill it with twenty-something “teens,” add in a mysterious killer, and just let the money roll in, right?

In a word: No.

In many words (since Justin continually refuses to let me post one-word reviews), Cheerleader Camp is a misfire on nearly every level. Ostensibly a horror-comedy, this features B-movie starlet Betsy Russell (of Avenging Angel fame) as a cheerleader heading off to camp to brush up on her cheer skills. Arriving at the titular cheerleader camp alongside Russell are Former Teen Idol Leif Garret, Pervy Fat Guy, the school mascot and a van full of Playboy Playmates. Before long a body shows up, which traumatizes Russell who’s been having slasher-related nightmares. She even has to wonder if she herself is the perpetrator.

Unwilling to close the beach shut down the camp, the mayor counselor writes the dead girl off as a boating accident suicide, because the cheering must go on! Meanwhile, veteran actor George “Buck” Flower engages in his own brand of slapstick comedy, the cheerleaders go sunbathing, and Pervy Fat Guy teams up with Former Teen Idol Leif Garret to rap.

By this point, I am of course cursing at myself for picking this movie to review. I could have reviewed Meatballs 4, but noooo, I had to be all overconfident and pick Cheerleader Camp. “No problem,” I thought to myself. “How bad could it be?”

Shut up, Self. You’re an idiot.

Tensions rise at the mascot talent show, where our team’s alligator mascot loses to the rival school’s chicken. The panther was robbed, I tell you! The body count rises as the film slogs along and we get a slew of suspects. Could it be Buck Flowers, who’s been creepily leering at the girls since they arrived at the camp? Or is it Former Teen Idol Leif Garret, his mind finally snapping from the realization that his ‘70s glory days are over? Or is Russell truly the killer after all?

I’ll give Cheerleader Camp this: the reveal, and the lead-up to it, is actually pretty good, and probably a big reason (along with legitimately good gore gags) that some genre fans remember the film fondly.

Also in the plus column are Betsy Russell and Lucinda Dickey who co-star as the team mascot. Both put in solid performances that deserve a better film, and the scenes that concentrate on the two are the best in the movie. Unfortunately, the decision to attempt a horror-comedy with a decidedly unfunny cast is a total misfire. The talent just isn’t there, on either side of the camera, for the comedy bits to work without hindering the pace of the horror. In other words, this ain’t Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, much less Return of the Living Dead.

Heck, it’s not even Saturday the 14th.

Justin’s rating: Give me a good movie! Give this a rest!

Justin’s review: I knew that Cheerleader Camp wasn’t destined for anything beyond “disposable slasher,” but man, that is one masterful poster. A leaping cheerleader showing a little more skin than Regulation Pom allows, but once the leering eye scans up to her face… AGGH! A winking skull! It’s all sorts of disturbing contrasts! There’s also a bundle of interesting activities going on in the background, including a dashing giant lizard, so detailists are bound to be satisfied.

Thus, I had to rent this film. ’80s cheerleaders in danger of a rampaging slasher? Where I have no chance of feeling bad for any of the deaths due to their dangerously low IQ’s? Sign me up!

Cheerleader Camp carries on the glorious tradition of giving a serial killer the biggest streak of luck in the world. In any normal situation, a single girl’s death — even at her own hands — would be enough to shut down a camp and bring in all of the cops and parents in the world. However, here Mr. Killer is aided by a fortuitous remoteness of the camp (“a thousand miles away from the nearest town” — where is this, the Yukon?), a single pill-popping mistrusted girl who keeps discovering the murders, a camp director who’s more afraid of losing camp dollars and thus hides the bodies, a sheriff who’s sleeping with the director and thus looks the other way, and a wide body of cheerleaders and perverts who don’t mind the competition being whittled down a bit.

Matters aren’t helped by the wooden acting, the dream sequences that often melt into reality without much warning, and the fact that our heroine is a deeply philosophical grumpy bear. If you can overlook all that, there’s a bit of fun to be found in its dedicated oddness. Goofy mascots run rampant, death sequences are more silly than scary, and we at Mutant Reviewers can never get enough of cheerleaders trying to act like Normal Intelligent Humans. I mean, this is a camp where, after two deaths, no one seems particularly concerned about another missing girl until she’s late for a competition. Then it’s anger city directed at the corpse in question.

An example of the memorable conversations and writing prowess of this film comes from a discussion between Alligator Mascot Girl and Sourpuss Cheerleader:

Alligator Mascot Girl: You’re talking about winning. Are you sure that’s what you want?

Sourpuss Cheerleader: Wish I could be more certain. Is it for me, or for the people who are telling me what I should be doing? You know what’s scary? We’re going to be out in the real world soon. What do you win for out there? We got to be what we’re doing is what we want to be doing. Because before we figure out who wants what, a person could go crazy.

If you can wrap your head around that little dialogue without screaming and blindly running into a doorframe at top speed, then you’re a better person than I.

Intermission!

• Awesome score with the skill of a 3-year-old banging on a piano and a 5-year-old thumping a wooden xylophone!
• The director LOVES his Batman 45-degree angled shots!
• Tipton has a bit of attitude. More than a bit. It’s engaging!
• It’s Bob! He’s not creepy at all!
• The giant bowtie in that girl’s hair
• Hey, I’d want to be a mascot instead of a cheerleader, so count your blessings!
• I didn’t want to see that guy in drag… I really didn’t.
• A girl’s just died and/or committed suicide. But don’t bother calling the cops or anything.
• That is one peppy suicide talk!
• Mirrors in horror movies live to freak people out
• SCARY ’80s RAP!
• The line-up of the mascots is hilarious.
• Average walking speed of people in horror movies: 0.2mph
• That’s carrying a football metaphor a little to long
• If you’re gonna wake someone up from a nightmare, you might want to take off your oversized alligator head first.
• Bear trap to the face. Ouch.
• This was released as Bloody Pom Poms in some European countries.
• Lucinda Dickey was a veteran of Cannon Films, starring in Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo as well as Ninja III: The Domination.
• Travis McKenna, who plays the Pervy Fat Guy, put in a much better performance the following year as Jack in the Patrick Swayze classic Road House.
• One of the writers, David Lee Fein, went on to a very successful career as a foley artist, winning two Primetime Emmys.
• The film’s producer, Jeff Prettyman, also appeared in the movie as Sheriff Poucher. Director John Quinn has a brief appearance as an ambulance attendant.

Part of