“This will be the greatest war the world has ever seen.”

Kyle’s rating: This movie has interested me in buying one of those sarongs, for a cool poolside fashion statement

Kyle’s review: Despite what I’ve written in past reviews or told you to your face if you’re a young blonde girl who frequents So Cal bars and eating establishments where Red Bull is sold, I’m actually quite dumb. Seriously! In my life I prefer to read comic books, watch stupid horror movies, and memorize Lakers stats.

So Troy is theoretically geared squarely at my king of piddling gray matter, since I couldn’t tell you the difference between The Iliad and The Odyssey if my pathetic monkey life depended on it. It’s “classic” literature that got dumbed down and greased up before being slapped on the big screen; essentially, I think it’s appropriate to say Troy is more an adaptation of Cliffs Notes than some big thick book they try to make you read in high school and/or college.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, if you’re a fan of muscular pretty boys in sandals and leather skirts with swords fighting and brooding and stuff. And who isn’t it? Or, if you want a stylized look at what life was like for the privileged and revered way back in the day, Troy is great! Check it out!

Sadly, Troy didn’t blow my leather skirt up. I’m not a fan of the past. There are those who totally dig seeing representations of specific historical times: they hang out at museums and buy all their loved ones historically-accurate gifts for important holidays. That ain’t me, babe. My house is totally decorated, courtesy of Target, in modern clunky plastic everything and stacks of DVDs. Meanwhile, I’m writing odes to indoor plumbing and surfing the Internet for interesting information and, uh, porn.

The point is this: there’s no place like Venice beach (it’s awesome!) and there’s no time like the present (it’s awesome too!). So movies like Troy, despite all the opulent set pieces and clear skies, aren’t going to suck me in vicariously because I’m thinking “Even that oh-so-great king of kings guy is probably using leaves for toilet paper.” Plus everything and everyone probably smelled, and there were no hamburger places, and I don’t think soda or bean burritos had even been invented yet. That’s a drag, man! I think even Bill and Ted skipped those times, and Doctor Who always brought his own tea. No wants to go back to those times, do they? It’s cool to write fiction about those times, but it’s only cool when you’re writing the stuff in air-conditioned goodness. Yeah.

Remember: I’m dumb. While I type this, I’m watching Billy Madison and wishing someone I loved would give me a whole bunch of Snack Packs (Pack or Pak? Who pays attention to the packaging when life is too short not to just tear off the lid and immediately eat delicious chocolate and banana pudding?). With dumbness comes impatientesqueness (and a creative vocabulary!). If a movie is going to be more than two hours long, it had been better interesting the whole way through.

Not so with the seemingly endless Troy. There is typical drama on both sides of this war, with Hector (Eric Bana) being mad with his brother Paris (Orlando Bloom) for absconding with the lovely Helen (Diane Kruger), who is hot yet married to ugly king guy Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson), brother of king of kings Agamemnon (Brian Cox) who takes the slight to his brother as an excuse to make war and conquer EVERYTHING… that is, “everything” circa those times, which means like a little bit of land. Ah, simpler times.

In all this is Achilles (Brad Pitt), who is adored by the people (especially those slave gals!) for being the best warrior ever and hated by Agamemnon for being an impertinent disrespectful dude. But Achilles is protected by the gods, or something, so he can’t be killed. Or can he? If you pay any attention to injury lists in sports you might have an inkling of what is in Achilles’ future, or if you read the source material you know anyway. Anyway, there are a few land battles between huge armies of computer generated guys with swords and spears, which are boring, and some man-to-man battles between Achilles and other dudes, which are also somehow boring. Troy is boring, when you think about it. My friend Lindsey loved it, but she admitted the love is based largely in her lust for Brad Pitt. So keep that in mind.

I don’t mind them making movies about great books. But why don’t they make good movies based in cool books, like The Westing Game? Did they make a movie about that book? That book is cool. I wish I could say I figured out the mystery before Turtle did, but I didn’t. But you know how good, even great, films give you a cool feeling that sticks with you even out of the theater? Troy didn’t give me any kind of feeling except abject emptiness. It tries vainly to be epic entertainment, but really only manages adequate entertainment. It’s not really memorable either, in my opinion. Maybe I’m wrong! Let me know, but chances are unless you’re an egghead or a bookworm, Troy will bore you, too. Check out Billy Madison instead or read The Westing Game if you want some intellectual stimulation. You’ll thank me soon!

Shalen’s rating: Sometimes even that many bare man-legs aren’t enough.

Shalen’s review: I’ve been reading one or two other critics’ sites recently, not just of film, but also of webcomics. And as I do that, I’ve begun to ask myself: Why do I review films I know are bad? Do I really enjoy them with lighthearted, childlike wonder? Or am I deliberately looking for people who are incompetent filmmakers so I can tear their work to shreds — in effect, cruelly shooting lame ducks? Or am I nitpicking too many things that others find honestly entertaining simply in order to satisfy my own desire to angrily denounce things at large?

Well, I know it’s not that last one, because I angrily denounce things at large all the time. I’m not the least bit deprived there. I think, when I consider it carefully, that it’s really more of a mixture of items #1 and #2. I mean, let’s face it. Most filmmakers aren’t out to make a deep, profound statement about the human condition. They’re in it for the money. And as long as they keep doing their thing, I can expect to see plenty of expensively pretty folks spouting wooden dialogue in between the mindless, improbable action scenes I love so well. They sell it. I buy it. I mock it. It’s a good arrangement, because I stay entertained and most of them stay wealthy.

Which brings us, by this roundabout route, to Troy. It’s a little funny to me to read Kyle’s review on the subject of why history is not exciting, because Troy is not based on history. It’s based on an epic poem by Homer, which incorporated lots of what modern man considers fantasy elements, such as direct divine intervention in human affairs. So, not only does Troy miss some historical facts about the period of time in which it is supposed to have occurred,* it’s not remotely true to the POEM on which it is based.

I won’t go into the spoilers here, but imagine a version of Hamlet wherein Hamlet is played by Vin Diesel. King Claudius tries to rape Ophelia and is killed by Laertes, who is then stabbed to death by Queen Gertrude. Hamlet poisons Gertrude and runs away with Ophelia, only to die in a carriage accident as she holds him in her arms. That’s about how much this is like The Iliad.

They managed to get pouty, immature Achilles down pat, though. Brad Pitt was a great choice for the role for just that reason. That being the case, it’s really too bad they made him basically the protagonist.** It was nice to see Sean Bean get to play someone who survives the movie. It’s probably why Odysseus is looking so smug as the end credits roll.

But that’s not really a reason not to watch the movie. It has some very nice battle scenes, and I was interested to see just how one does (or might, or might not) fight with a shield and javelin at close range. There are, of course, some of the most famously pretty male faces of recent date present for viewing, and some less famous but still lovely female ones for those interested. There’s a LOT of wailing soundtrack.

Sorry, Kyle, I disagree. Eggheads and bookworms have better things to do with our time — like watching Sir Ian McKellan in Richard III again. This is, indeed, the winter of our discontent.

*Not that I can tell you what they are. I majored in Biology and Chemistry. I’m pretty sure the ancient Achaeans didn’t have English accents, though.
**Although they “forgot” he and Patroclus were lovers. Alexander the Great seems to have had a “He was straight! Honest!” whitewash recently, too. And in these politically correct times. Tsk.