“Sometimes, Tre, you can go up so high that you can’t see the ground below.”

Justin’s rating: Oh Snipes, why they do you so dirty like this?

Justin’s review: It’s kind of hard to believe that a 1998 Wesley Snipes scifi film was shoved to direct-to-video status, but that explains why almost nobody’s heard of or talks about Futuresport. It may not be the best entry in his filmography, but I think this could’ve warranted a modest theatrical release for its blend of cheese, scifi, and death sports.

Besides, this may have one of the most ludicrously complex setups for a pretend sport I’ve ever witnessed. It’s the bold future year of, um, 2025, and pretty much the only sport that everyone likes is the oddly named Futuresport created by a Jamaican (?) Wesley Snipes (who plays Obike Fixx). I guess Pastball and Presentathletics became passé. And to up the stakes, Futuresport is played as a proxy war between global superpowers over various bits of land. So if you wake up tomorrow and your team lost, your state might now belong to, I don’t know, Belgium.

Up for grabs in Futuresport is, why not, Hawaii, which I guess doesn’t belong to the U.S. any more. North America wants it, but so does a Pan-Pacific alliance led by those dastardly dingos in Australia. There’s also a Hawaiian Liberation Front that’s trying to liberate the island kingdom for itself. So either roller hockey or terrorism will call the shots on an archipelago’s status. I do not get the global politics of this film one bit.

Lois and Clark’s Dean Cain is “Tre the Pharaoh,” the captain of Team Good Guys and an on-again, off-again love interest for Alex (Vanessa Williams). He and his cheery team takes us through the intricacies of Futuresport, which is pretty much Rollerball with inline skating and Back to the Future II-style hoverboards at a skate park’s half-pipe. You honestly couldn’t design a more ’90s sport if you tried.

Aside with some mild drama involving Tre’s cocky behavior and need to learn the value of team work — and the aforementioned terrorists, who are laughably incompetent and are led with a guy who’s got massive face tattoos — most of the $9 million budget here went to trying to make the Futuresport matches as exciting as possible. It… was not enough. It wasn’t close to enough.

Everything about the games are laughable. We can start with the overuse of closeups and janky camera swishes that make it impossible to know what’s going on. Why would you want to, anyway, when you can look at the actors’ BIG HEADS with their bike helmets? The hoverboard effects are terribly greenscreened, and CGI leaps out to smack you in the eye far too often. Plus, it’s kind of a boring game. They talk it up so much, yet it’s just people skating around and occasionally throwing the quaffle in a big metal tuba.

Trust me, if you’ve seen this movie, that last sentence would make sense.

This seems like the right quality level for a Dean Cain, but it’s inexplicable to see Williams and Snipes lowering their standards at this point of their respective careers. Williams had just done an Arnold Schwarzenegger flick (Eraser) and was gearing up for Shaft, and Snipes did this the same year he starred in U.S. Marshals and Blade. Seeing him trying to affect a goofy Jamaican accent while swaggering around as a mentor is the high flood mark of cringe in the ’90s.

It’s just hard to find an angle on Futuresport that makes it worth pushing on someone else. I think it would’ve been better served by being a true ensemble sports drama with a scifi overlay than this Saturday Night Special Blade Runner wannabe.

Intermission!

• In the future, all cities are CGI and Hawaii needs to be liberated
• Want a cheap way to make a vehicle look futuristic? Put an extra roll bar on its front.
• “HOTEL SERVICE ENTRANCE” is the most unnecessary subtitle of all time
• Guy’s facial tattoos are distracting
• We now interrupt this exciting Die Hard scenario for a love scene and cheesy music
• Future cameramen have a lens cybernetically implanted in their heads. Ouch.
• Angry ex-girlfriends are the best option for an important interview
• That’s totally not a Back to the Future II hoverboard drop from a suitcase at all!
• This movie loves its close ups and random gunfire into the air
• The NBA collapsed in a points shaving scandal
• If you’re a cyborg, you have to make all sorts of mechanical whirring noises when you move your joints
• The ball electrifies itself if you hold it too long
• Having a grill in front of one eyeball would be so distracting
• Everyone talks about their “P.I. rating” so much
• Who wouldn’t want an English butler A.I.?
• This movie wants to have Blade Runner’s cred without working for it
• DOWN ZONE
• Spy spiders
• I don’t think I could ever hear something called “HLO” without adding “Kitty” at the end
• Backwards golf cap? You’re in a ’90s movie!
• DEADLY FRISBEE
• Handmade sushi, yum?