“My father was a wheel! The first wheel! And do you know what he transformed into? Nothing! But he did it with honor!”

Kyle’s rating: Now I understand how people felt about POTC: Dead Man’s Chest

Kyle’s review: There are certainly limits to how much slack one give a film. Nowadays, some will pass judgment based on the theatrical trailer alone, which I tend to think is much too overzealous, though I would be lying if I said I have any hope at all for August’s G.I. Joe film adaptation based on the ridiculous-looking previews I have had to sit through. Casting and direction can make or break a film in the eyes of many; I can surely count with only one hand the number of close trusted friends whose eyes don’t narrow almost imperceptibly every time I admit to liking Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox. Hell, I like the first Transformers! Combine that with my strange and admittedly unique aesthetic tastes, and I was one of the few people over the age of 12 in southern California who looked forward to Transformers Revenge of the Fallen, if only as a loud and boisterous summer blockbuster.

I recall it taking about ten minutes for me to surrender to a sense of utter dissatisfaction, alleviated only by the huge box of popcorn Angela had me balance on my lap throughout the entire runtime. At one point about one hour in, when Erin shifted in her seat I was about to lean over and whisper “I’ll leave with you and wait for them in the parking lot if you like” until it was clear she was only getting comfortable. Sadly, when I relayed my feelings to her later, she was like “Wait, I would have left then, too!”

Yes, Revenge of the Fallen is completely awful. I was never engaged with the film in the slightest, none of the actors who were at best charming and at worst interesting in the first film had any freedom to do anything, and I HATED anything that popped up for the first time (idiotic college roommate, I’m looking at you). My only self-amusement came early on, when as has been commented on across so many blogs, it really did seem as though the Autobots were hunting down Decepticons largely minding their own business and brutally murdering them. Michael Bay would surely say that was some sort of commentary. On what, I wonder?

I’m not sure if it was irrepressible shallowness or boredom with the proceedings that made me wish the ‘surprise’ ‘hidden’ Decepticon (whose inclusion, illogic and impossibility of aside, at least raised my interest a bit, though not intellectually) was the main villain of the entire film. Or even the hero! But when minor details are more enthralling than anything related to the main event, it is surely a sign of diminishing returns on the filmmakers’ parts and a polite request for a refund on yours.

The massive box office take thus far would seem to imply the third (and any future? No!) film in the series will be more of the same. I would implore to anyone involved to examine the fact that even the most strident defender of this film’s entertainment value is at a loss to disentangle most of the action scenes involving more than two robots. Anticlimactic forest battle included. More is not more here, it’s actually less when you can’t tell one fast-moving robot from another. I’m disinclined to bother commenting on the racial element of the Autobot twins when the movie itself (apparently) has the evil Decepticons who combine into the big sand-sucking thing crawling around the pyramid simultaneously fighting soldiers in the desert ruins. Summer blockbuster disregard for time and space, or a sign of not really caring when the opening weekend b.o. number promises to be HUGE?

If they, specifically YOU, Michael Bay, don’t care, why should I?

Intermission!

• The college scenes were shot at the University of Pennsylvania (meh) and Princeton University (woo!). Oddly, I didn’t recognize any of the architecture from Princeton. If I ever decide to see the movie again, I’ll have to look for it.
• Aaron the long-suffering presidential bodyguard from24 is the general. Has Glenn Morshower ever played a civilian?
• There’s something profoundly wrong about an Autobot ice cream truck with a decal reading “Decepticons, suck my popsicle.”
• For the second movie running, they don’t explain why the Allspark only creates evil robots.
• Spike’s pretty grateful to Bumblebee for saving his, Sparkplug’s and Judy’s lives. “Get in the garage!”
• Remember kids, that’s S-T-A-T-E F-A-R-M. Be sure to tell mommy and daddy!
• I always wondered whether Spike’s mom heard him losing his virginity. Good to finally have that answered.
• College has changed in the last seven years. Back then girls didn’t start dancing on tables until the end of the night, and it wasn’t the attractive ones.
• It is pretty hilarious that Megatron boasts to Starscream, “Even in death, there is no command but mine”… and then literally ten seconds later, calls the Fallen “my master.”
• Bad Boys II, Michael Bay? If you have to endlessly reference your own movies, keep it to the better ones, huh? Ain’t nothing wrong with Bad Boys I.
• If it’s so important that Spike be kept alive, you’d think the Decepticons might be a bit more careful than, you know, dropping him from several stories up. On purpose.
• PRIIIIIIIIIME!!!
• I’m sorry, I’m sorry… the government just supposedly covered up the events of the last movie from the general public? I guess as far as all-out assaults on L.A. in front of thousands of witnesses go, it was pretty discreet.
• The Autobot base is in New Jersey? Hell yeah.
• Bumblebee’s got a real fondness for Tom Hanks.
• Yeah, it’s probably pretty easy to drive a Camaro through the desert.
• No car chase is complete unless a fruit stand gets destroyed. I think it’s union regulations or something.
• Is it even possible for anyone born after 1978 to see a neon green dump truck and not immediately think “Devastator”?
• Arise, Rodimus Optimus Prime!