“Bah weep granah weep ninni bong.”

Justin’s rating: I can only transform into Hernia Mode

Justin’s review: While many of my childhood memories are nothing but a whisper of a shadow to me, every memory surrounding Transformers are so clear that they might’ve happened yesterday.

I remember first seeing a kid with a Transformer — a die-metal cast toy robot that could turn into a vehicle and vice versa — in the 3rd grade. It was such the high fad at the time that before long, we were forbidden from bringing them to school. Not because we were playing with them all the time, but because kids would actually steal them. I recall my own first Transformer, Ratchet (an ambulance/robot sled combo), and how all the instructions for the toys would meticulously show you how to turn them back and forth, all with the warning of “DO NOT FORCE ANY OF THE PIECES”. And I most certainly do remember when Transformers: The Movie came storming into our lives.

This goopy nostalgia has a point, don’t fret. For those uninitiated — or uncaring — the Transformers were one of the most successful of the millions of toy/cartoon hybrids that dominated the ’80s. In retrospect, the whole concept was genius perfected. They took something kids already were nuts over (robots) and gave them a funky twist (being able to change into vehicles or, occasionally, items like microscopes or boom boxes).

The show could be as incredibly violent as they wanted, since no parents really objected to robots getting blown up, electrocuted, crucified, etc. Toss in a highly recognizable “transforming” sound (ask ANYbody who’s seen the show to make this sound, and I bet they’ll do a spot-on impression), a memorable theme song (“Transformers… robots in disguise!”), the most clear-cut Good vs. Evil caricatures since Hitler and Bugs Bunny, and you’ve got yourself a hit. Kids went nuts over these toys, watched the Saturday morning cartoon religiously, and all but swarmed the movie theaters when the film came out after the second season of the show.

Looking back, I definitely feel pity for any parent who was trying, for their child’s sake, to keep up with all the facets of this show. There’s about a thousand different robots (no, that’s really not an exaggeration) and fancy “techno-speak” (substitute the word “electron” in for most normal words and you’re halfway there) to keep track of, and pretty much none of it makes sense.

While the two main factions — the Autobots (good guys) and the Decepticons (evil dudes) — are fairly easy to keep track of as a mass, nothing about them gels with reality as we know it. For instance, the Decepticon’s leader is Megatron, a huge robot with a BIG arm cannon who could transform into… a very small pistol! That required another robot to use! Of course, no toy line would dare try to push a handgun into a kid’s grubby mitts today, but this was the ’80s and we had nine lives to go.

Another example of the twisted logic behind the Transformers universe is that a dinosaur robot was portrayed as very slow and very stupid. This might be astute if they were actual dinosaurs with reduced brain pan size, but these are robots. They don’t have to have their motherboard in their heads. They could have all their processing power in their butts and still be Robotic Q. Einsteins.

So, the film. Transformers: The Movie is a kissing cousin of G.I. Joe: The Movie, both of which were made by the same studio, released a year apart, and devoted most of their energies to replacing the established guard of favorites with new faces (and new toys!). In a direct comparison, Transformers comes cyber-heads and gear-shoulders above the Joe. For all its muddled plot and cruel elimination of about half of the toy line we’d come to slavishly love, it’s a gorgeously animated flick, with tons of action and transformations and Spock (Leonard Nimoy does one of the key voices).

It’s also, without a doubt, the only movie that’s used Weird Al Yankovic’s “Dare To Be Stupid” in a dance scene. Robots DANCING. So goofy, it’s awesome.

While the Autobots and the Decepticons are duking it out because the universe is too small for their masculine projector units, a new baddie comes to town: Orson Welles! Well, a robotic planet-that-eats-other-planets voiced by Welles, but I’m sure it thrilled the kiddies nonetheless to learn that the grandfather of all pretentious art house flicks had stooped to doing this for a paycheck shortly before his death. Anyway, there’s a giant planet robot going around eating other planets, some of the Decepticons join its side and become newly remodeled toys, and the few surviving good guys wipe their oily tears from beloved Optimus Prime’s hurried death (which just about threw an entire generation of kids into comas as their bodies were unable to process how horrible of an event this was) and get on with saving the universe.

Viewing with an adult’s eyes, this movie bathes in pure Silly. Only in cartoons do characters say such bold and brisk phrases like “One shall stand! One shall fall!” I also love how cartoons feel like they must be very… slow… and… explain… over… and… over… all the exposition so that the kids can pick up on it:

ROBOT #1: [being shot at] By lazer’s beak! We should shoot back!

ROBOT #2: [nonchalantly looking at all the bullets flying by] Yes we should! Prepare our guns!

ROBOT #1: [gradually reaching for his holster] I am getting my gun!

ROBOT #2: [squeezing off a shot] And I am firing at the bad robots!

BAD ROBOTS: [at a neighborhood bar] Man, you guys are still out there? We were done with that fight like three hours ago!

The most annoying thing about Transformers: The Movie is the blatant attempt to sell not just toys but a soundtrack. I’m all for using cool rock songs in films, but cartoons just aren’t the best place for Stan Bush. Transformers keeps launching into weird rock tunes in the middle of key action sequences, which really distract you as some hair metal band starts crooning about how you must be “better than the best, and you’ll claim the victor’s cup” while robots are trying to evacuate their wounded to a robo-hospital. You’re just left sitting there going “Huh? What’s that about?”

Whether for nostalgia, cheap laughs, or some genuinely sweet animation, Transformers: The Movie is more than… oh no, I’m going to do it… meets the eye… ARGH!… in a compact video package.

Rich’s rating: Dare! Dare to believe you can survive…

Rich’s review: It’s a strange confluence of events that has lead me to review Transformers: The Movie. within the space of a few days, my housemate had got the new PS2 Transformers game, I’d had a conversation about Transformers: The Movie dialogue with my good friend Gareth, and the final straw, I had actually caught Justin in the middle of reviewing it and pretending he wasn’t enjoying the awesome ’80s music peppered throughout the film.

I always loved Transformers as a kid. I remember getting my first ones (the big, chunky metal die-cast kind, not the plastic rubbish you get these days), Hound and Sideswipe, for Christmas when I was seven years old. From then on I was hooked. Christmas, Birthdays, and every time I could whine and complain enough to con a present out of my parents, I wanted a Transformer.

In the end, I’d built up quite a collection which, sadly, is all gone now. When the comic came out over here in the UK, going to the newsagents on a Wednesday with my pocket money to pick up the latest issue became a ritual. I think I ended up with over 150 issues in order, starting from issue #1 (the UK comic, which all true TF fans know was superior to the US comic, which was only monthly). To this day, I’m confident that I can identify 85-90% of the original Transformers (none of this new rubbish) by sight.

Saturday mornings were the domain of the Transformers cartoon for me. With its catchy theme tune, great Cha-chou-chaw-chou-cha noises whenever the characters transformed, and overt violent overtones, how was I not going to love it just as much? Looking back at the cartoon now (one of my friends has the DVD collection of the first 2 series) it’s as hokey as every other ’80s cartoon –- but back then, it was my bread and butter.

So, faced with the possibility of a full 90 minutes of Transformers goodness, how could I not want to see it? The short answer is: I couldn’t. If memory serves, I dragged along my poor, long suffering mother (who’s interest in giant transforming robots who fire lasers at each other has never been particularly obvious) to the opening day screening. And Transformers blew me away and somehow made me even more obsessed than I already was.

But now, it’s almost 20 years later. Surely things have changed?

Not in the slightest, my friend. Not in the slightest.

Following on from the comics and TV show, Transformers chronicles the ongoing fight between the Evil Decepticons (boo!) and the Heroic Autobots (yes!). The Decepticons, lead by their villainous leader Megatron, have conquered the home planet of the Transformers, Cybertron, with the rebellious Autobots hiding out on two of the planets moons, as well as having an established base on Earth. The Autobots are gathering supplies for a big offensive to retake Cybertron. We also get introduced to new super-menace Unicron, a giant planet-eating planet, who quickly establishes his villainous credentials in the first 5 minutes by destroying an entire race of nice sentient robots by snarfing down their planet like a giant round hamburger. What a cad.

Oblivious to this giant munching space fiend, the Autobots and Decepticons have a huge fight on earth, with casualties on both sides. There’s some shenanigans with the Autobot symbol of leadership, the Creation Matrix, which it turns out is the only thing that can stop Unicron. Unicron “recruits” some Decepticons to destroy the Matrix for him, while the Autobots race to Cybertron with it to stop their home planet being turned into a little light snack. And that’s pretty much the story, vagued up as much as possible to avoid spoilerising it.

Having just watched it last night, I was amazed at just how, well, “grown up” this film is by comparison to the cartoon series it spawned from. After two seasons of Saturday afternoons watching the two sides shoot their guns ineffectually at each other from a range of three feet, as soon as Transformers gets off of the ground we’ve immediately got four casualties -– and not just throwaway characters, either. It’s a strange and revelatory feeling to actually see them destroying each other -– it’s like the moment in X2 when Wolverine uses his claws to kill the soldiers attacking the mansion for the first time, after seeing him in the cartoons using them to do everything but hit other people.

Also, there is a real effort made to give the characters, well, character. They’re not just cookie cutter heroes and villains; they have nice, believable quirks that genuinely (for me) make the film much better than just a kids “Heroes fight Villains, Heroes Triumph” film. Of course, being familiar with the characters already through the cartoon and comics (Kup constantly tells old war stories, Grimlock is arrogant and slow witted, Starscream is scheming and cowardly) helps, but they do a great job of establishing these personalities in the film as well.

The array of voice talent brought in for the film no doubt helped that. Not only are the best characters from the cartoon voiced by the same people (Chris Latta’s Starscream is just my favourite cowardly villain voice ever), but the new characters are voiced by such screen luminaries as Leonard Nimoy, Eric Idle, and Orson Welles, for goodness sake! The animation, especially for so long ago, is still crisp and well drawn as well, which for an animated film is an important factor.

So, we have a well rounded background, interesting plot which darker and more mature overtones, well voiced characters with interesting quirks… it’s just missing one thing…

Ah! A cheesy ’80s rock soundtrack!

Sadly, the thing that dates Transformers the most is its musical score. It’s poodle rock through and through, but with the success of bands like The Darkness, perhaps the Transformers soundtrack is coming back into fashion? And even if it’s not, the songs are somehow completely forgivable. After all, this movie is a nostalgia trip for most people watching it, and the music is as much a part of that as anything else. If they released the same exact film tomorrow but with a different musical score, it just wouldn’t be the same somehow.

It’s not a classic. It’s never going to go down in history as a great film. But anyone who ever played with a Transformer (not the electrical kind, kids!), or read the comic, or saw the show can watch this film, and retreat back to a younger and more innocent time for an hour and a half. And that is no bad thing.

Intermission!

• The forces behind Star Trek, Monty Python, Citizen Kane AND The Breakfast Club help bring us the voices!
• Decepti-Chops? Mmm… deceptichops…
• Really, you can put “decepti” in front of anything to make it a good insult
• Hehe… he turns into a MINIVAN. How droll.
• Shockwave rocks!
• Okay, if you already have two gun turrets on your arm, do you really need a robot to turn into a pistol for your main weapon?
• The good guys are HORRIBLE shots
• The “transforming” sound is the best sound from the 80’s
• Old-timer? How do transformers age, exactly?
• Ooh. You transform into a microscope? How’s that working out for you?
• A transforming city is pretty darn cool
• Man, this soundtrack is distracting
• “Jettison some weight or we’ll never make it” Dude, you’re in SPACE. Weight doesn’t mean anything. Maybe you meant “mass”?
• Amazing how these robots can just increase and decrease in size according to their mere whims. And fit inside each other.
• Hey, I want minions too!
• Starscream IS toast!
• He said the “S” word! That’s just wrong in a kiddie cartoon.
• The Matrix can stop ANYTHING
• A robot lassoing… sure, why not?
• Grimlock is lovable
• I like it when the robots are breathing hard.
• Three quarters is better than 4 quarters
• Robotic fish are deadlier than regular fish
• “It’s kinda tricky” and THEN he does a sumersault… yeah, tricky
• Hot Rod and company crashes the quinteson ship into Unicron’s left eye, and they smashed out of his right eye during their escape, and yet it was just his right eye that was releasing green energy before Unicron exploded. [thanks Robert H.]