“What would my mother say?”

Drake’s rating: Mediocrity, thy name is Destroyer

Drake’s review: So take the original Valley Girl herself, Deborah Foreman, add in massive football player-turned-actor Lyle Alzado, and top it off with everyone’s favorite Psycho, Anthony Perkins, and what do you get?

You get a surprisingly pedestrian slasher flick, that’s what.

Destroyer tells the tale of a brutal criminal named Ivan Moser (Alzado) who is sentenced to die in the electric chair. Eighteen months later, the prison Moser was executed in lies abandoned due to a deadly riot in the aftermath of the electrocution, which makes it a prime location for the shooting of an exploitation flick called Death House Dolls. But something lurks in the bowels of the prison. A three-hundred pound something which is apparently immune to electricity and looking to add to its body count…

Now granted, a seemingly unstoppable Los Angeles Raider is a pretty frightening concept, probably even more so if you were a San Diego Chargers fan back in the day. But Destroyer is a late entry in the ‘80s slasher boom and suffers from the tendency in those years to indulge in camp as much as horror. So instead of being a frightening behemoth, Moser comes off as a bit goofy. He has a weird doll fixation and a giggly laugh but no real personality or sense of menace. Compared to Robert Englund’s Freddy Krueger, who was ruling the slasher roost at the time and who likely weighs in at half an Alzado on the scale, Moser is, in football terms, a “JAG.” Just Another Guy.

It’s not all bad, though. Deorah Foreman as Malone, a stunt woman working on the women in prison flick, makes for an interesting lead. Although small (she’s probably one-quarter of an Alzado), Malone is able to make use of her stunt skills and Foreman portrays her as being very capable and confident. Clayton Rohner as David, Malone’s boyfriend and the scriptwriter for Death House Dolls (dude’s got my dream job), is a good counterpart for Foreman. While she’s the active one, using her physical skills both on the job and, later, in an attempt to survive, David is far more studious. He asks questions, researches the prison, draws the expository dialogue out of his co-stars and learns the secret about Moser’s past.

Not that any of that is particularly helpful in stopping Moser, but it’s good to see him put in the effort.

Anthony Perkins, replacing Roddy McDowall shortly before production began, is the beleaguered director of Death House Dolls. Saddled with a disgruntled starlet and an inept effects man, Perkins plays the role as equal parts competent, manipulative and skeevy. He, like Foreman, seems to be having some fun, and you kind of wish his character had directed Destroyer as well. If he had, then maybe the film wouldn’t be so lacking in oomph.

Destroyer is a fairly by-the-numbers slasher (killer seemingly dies, killer comes back, killer kills), but not nearly good enough to be considered a lost classic of the genre. Nor is it bad enough to mock relentlessly. Despite a couple of interesting deaths and a cast with fairly impressive credentials, Destroyer is just kind of… there. Which is a shame, really. Given the actors involved you go in expecting just a bit more than what the film gives you, and you’re left wanting more meat in your slasher sandwich.

Still, despite its flaws, Destroyer is worth a watch, especially for the completist looking to fill out their ‘80s slasher bingo card. Just don’t be surprised if you forget all about it five minutes after the end credits roll.

Intermission!

• Photocopying your face. It is the ‘80s!
• That’s not the proper use of a jackhammer.
• It’s not even a real WIP movie…it’s just the movie within the movie…and they still found a way to sneak in a shower scene.
• Anthony Perkins looks like he was trapped in a tanning bed right before shooting began.
• Deborah Foreman and Clayton Rohner had co-starred together before, in 1986’s April Fool’s Day.