“Melvin’s on fire! Melvin’s on fire!”

Justin’s rating: Just don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t eat hot ‘n spicy buffalo wings while watching this vile flick.

Justin’s review: From seeing this movie and numerous previews for other Troma releases, I’m convinced that these NYC-based movie makers never quite moved past the bedwetting stage. They seem to be concerned with putting as much of the following into each of their movies as possible: Cheesy gore, bouncing bosoms, awful acting, and vomit. Vomit is their stock and trade, really. They love this stuff. They worship it. If a head is going to be smashed, they reason, why not have it puke before the fact?

The only countering force to all of this — and I’m not convinced it’s enough — is a somewhat cheeky sense of humor. The Toxic Avenger, Troma’s break-out hit, pits a terribly unlikely candidate for superherodom (a tutu-wearing janitor) against a lot of bullies. There really is no plot here: Janitor is tormented, falls into vat of disfiguring chemical waste, and subsequently becomes Mr. Clean with an attitude. Toxie doesn’t quite believe in Batman’s sense of vigilante justice; he’d rather torture his criminal pals than turn them into the police.

Toxie may not be too different from you or I. He’s generally insecure. He eats Drain-o. And the only person he can find to fall in love with him is a blind lady who (har har) hits him in the crotch a lot. One of the most irksome decisions here is the fact that the filmmakers keep Toxie’s face from our view for the first 48 minutes. Excuse me, but what is so secretive that needs to be covered for that long? The suspense dies after about a dozen of those minutes, leaving us viewers to the speculation that there wasn’t enough makeup to keep Toxie’s face on for the full production.

That aside, The Toxic Avenger is undoubtedly full cult — and a dignity-robbing experience. I don’t think anyone could, in good conscience, watch this movie with other people.

As a responsible movie reviewer, however, I strongly advise that this movie only be seen by kids of college age. Any younger, and you face probable therapy for life. Any older, and your coworkers will start to look at you funny. My job is done, it’s time to go binge a bunch of wholesome flicks to make up for this one.