“You’re not as young as you used to be!”

Justin’s rating: This movie put me off iguanas for life

Justin’s review: I’m not exactly sure at which point I lost all respect for myself and became “that guy who’s going to cover all of the Gremlin knockoff movies,” but here we are. My children aren’t speaking to me, I saw a bus billboard denouncing my very existence (the 1-800 number was a bit much, I thought), and I’ve been blamed for starting everything from COVID to more cowbell.

Anyway…

Um…

Want to talk about Hobgoblins? Sure ya do!

Well, we’re talking about it anyway. I don’t care what your doctor advised you against doing.

At its core, Hobgoblins is the story of dysfunctional relationships. There’s Army brat Nick, who I think would be ruthlessly beat up for posturing during boot camp, and his Valley Girl(friend) Daphne, who never met a pause in a conversation that she didn’t want to immediately fill with suggestive language. We also meet Kyle, who’s got an unhealthy relationship with bizarrely bad phone sex lines.

And then there’s Kevin. Oh Kevin.

If a disposable toilet seat liner could be a human being, it would be Kevin. Poor coward Kevin — our protagonist, I might add — is being ground to a fine paste by his jerk of a girlfriend Amy, who pressures him into doing all sorts of activities that he’d rather not be doing. No, not reviewing this movie, but almost as degrading. Part of his relationship emasculation is working at an abandoned movie studio as a security guard.

And wouldn’t you know it, this studio happens to be the home of some magical little hobgoblins that kill by… FANTASY. No, not that one. Not that other one, either. It’s more of a Nightmare on Elm Street 3 thing where they create some elaborate dreamscape and then ironically kill the person who gets sucked into it. I guess you do need magic if you weigh 85 grams and have the muscle strength of a gentle summer’s breeze.

As Kevin continually does the least amount of expendable effort possible and still retain the label of “hero,” the hobgoblins go on a merry rampage across town. It’s here that we learn some essential rules of these alien creatures: bright lights attract them, they create mesmerizing fantasies tailored to an individual, and if they emerge in daylight they are unstoppable. For reasons.

I’m not sure if the makers of Hobgoblins were intentionally aiming to create one of the worst flicks ever made, but I can’t imagine how this would happen organically. Every one of our five annoying main characters deserves to be in a much more ruthless horror film, preferably one where their leftovers would be fashioned into hats for the deep woods cannibals. The titular creatures are obviously stuffies being waved around by the propmaster’s hands. It doesn’t require a suspension of disbelief to see them as a threat. It requires a full-frontal lobotomy.

But the worst offender at play here isn’t the bad acting, cheap effects, and a synth soundtrack so basic that I’m pretty sure I could copy it note for note if given the chance. No, the worst is the fact that Hobgoblins tries to be funny. You people who are nodding right now? You see the problem. There’s nothing more grating than a film with no true sense of humor trying to force jokes and whimsy. It’s so cringy to behold, and you’ll be beholding it here from the start to the last.

So bad it’s good? Perhaps with the right mindset and company. There’s a reason that Hobgoblins became the sarcastic target of MST3K and RiffTrax. And would you really want to finish your life without having seen this?

Intermission!

• Every iconic movie starts with a gripefest between two night watchmen
• If a giant vault is behind bars, maybe give it a pass… especially if it magically turns into a rock concert venue starring you
• If you’re a night watchman, a walkman is a no-no, but a loaded revolver is a yes-yes
• Teens in the ’80s were very upset if you didn’t rent something rated X
• That girl is pretty much the entire ’80s stuffed into one walking cliché of a person
• Pay attention! Nick is protecting our country! ALL HAIL NICK!
• RANDOM DUELING SCENE WITH GARDEN TOOLS
• “Wow, I’m getting sweaty already!”
• What’s worse, watching the couple argue in the foreground or the rocking van in the background?
• Are guns that hard to use that you have to taunt him into firing wildly in the air?
• Watching old guys run bowlegged is never not funny
• Hobgoblins love to take golf carts out for a spin
• About time we got a hobgoblin origin story
• Could Amy dance any less?
• Daphne brutalizing a hobgoblin with a hoe is pretty rad
• He has a grenade in the glove department? And then is ready to throw it into a living room?
• Fantasia has a very old telephone… and she talks about iguanas as sexy talk?
• Kyle’s fantasy is wearing ALL the spandex
• Pop rocks and whipped cream? Why?
• “Above all, don’t fantasize about anything!”
• “Hey low life, come party at Club Scum”
• Reputation Road
• “KISSING ONLY” sign
• OK, Kyle getting out of the car to ask the lady if she needs help pushing him off the cliff was kind of funny
• Wait, why are they handing all their wallets to her for “safe keeping?”
• His name is “Road Rash?”
• “DONKEY MUD WRESTLING?!”
• Everyone at Club Scum knows Daphne
• What are they singing about? Pig stickers?
• One particularly noteworthy beehive hairdo
• Club Scum’s MC is so dang creepy
• And now it’s time for our studio-mandated nunchuck fight
• Kevin’s girly scream and cower at almost being shot
• Our grand finale: The hobgoblins just walk back to the vault for no reason.
• Nick isn’t really that blown up