“The gene pool is a little shallow here. Dive in and you’ll crack your skull open.”

DNAerror’s Rating: 2 out of 4 Promotional Stick-Men (available for $19.95)

DNAerror’s Review: You knew it was going to happen. The Blair Witch Project was one of the highest-grossing, most innovative, and most beloved (or reviled) horror movies of all time. So, it just a matter of time before they figured out how to make a sequel out of movie where everyone died at the end. And thus, Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows was born.

So, the question that’s on everyone’s studded tongue, is it as good as the original?

Short answer: No.

The concept behind the movie is interesting and is one of the movie’s strong points. This is why it’s so infuriating to see the director screw it up. In the sequel, apparently the fictional/real world success of the original movie spawned a bunch of fanatics who swarmed the little town of Brukittsville. This lead to stressed-out shop owners and people with odd facial hair offering tours of the Black Hills Woods. One such tour guide, Jeffrey (Jeffrey Donovan) leads a wispy earth-witch, Erica (Erica Leerhsen), a sassy Goth chick Kim, a thuddingly dull grad student, Stephen (Stephen Barker Turner), and his wife, Tristen (Tristen Skyler) into the woods to study the fanaticism around the Blair Witch.

After an interesting opening mockumentary about the Blair Witch craze, we get to the story — and the plot takes an amazing nose dive into mediocrity. Basically, the little group camps out, drinks enough beer to pickle their livers twice-fold, and blasts hard rock into the woods. Afterwards, each person experiences their own little mental breakdown as a variety of witchy-acts haunt the quintet.

The original Blair Witch had characters that seemed to be plucked from our very classrooms and offices. Book of Shadows has model level stereotypes being played by actors that are seem to be chugging Nyquil. I could barely remember the names of these people, let alone care about them. Only Erica, the annoying, shrill Wiccan who uses every line to scream “Witches aren’t evil!” inspired an emotional response — mostly the hope that she’ll be burned at the stake and end the audience’s suffering. Although it should be noted that Kim the Goth Girl is the only character I found mildly interesting, as she was able to make a one-dimensional character at least fun to watch.

The plot itself lacks any drive or direction, it stumbles from Scary Point 1 to Scary Point 2 with little attempt to connect the two into a larger scheme. Not to say the movie is very scary to begin with, without a story to follow or logic to be concerned with, the scenes meant to inspire fear just evoke a hearty “duh?” What raises this movie from the level of bargain-basement schlock is the style of it.

This mostly comes from the director, Joe Berlinger, who uses heavy MTV-style methods of fast cuts and filling every scene with blasting music from odd angles. While this isn’t inherently a bad thing, David Fincher used it to make Fight Club one of the most innovative movies in years, the interesting camera work creates some very stylistic shots and gives the movie some artistic merit However, the over-use of these methods destroys any kind of tension by blasting heavy metal in almost every scene and rapid fire cuts to the past, present, and future. These suspense-breaking cuts and music make the movie fail in even providing jump-out-of-your-seat thrills, making a 90-minute movie feel like a five-hour study of Nine Inch Nails.

So in the end you are left with yet another disappointing sequel. While not as laughably bad as some horror-sequels (Exorcist 2 anyone?), it’s less of a movie and more of a 90-minute music video. (what other movie could pull off a long scene where they product-place their own products.) The original made you squirm in your seat from a primal fear. This movie gives you some eye-candy to chew on, but little else. While it’s sad to see a good idea ruined, can you imagine how bad it could have been? Well, wait for Blair Witch 3.

Kyle’s Rating: On the one hand, the movie is 95% awesome! On the other hand, er, I don’t get it.

Kyle’s Review: Once upon a time, there was an incredible phenomenon of hype that centered on a “film” that pretended to be “real” but in actuality “sucked.” That’s my opinion, at least: I’ve only watched like two minutes from the first 10 minutes and then the last five minutes of The Blair Witch Project. I’m pretty sure I got the gist, so just calm down there, BlairWitchHeads. Anyway, regardless of whatever I thought, enough people loved The Blair Witch Project that a sequel was guaranteed. But how? What? With whom? Would a shaky camera perspective somehow be involved in a fresh new way?

The answer is yes. Sort of. Is the sequel any good? Yes! Sure! Did people like it as much as the first one? Nope! I don’t think: it seemed to be a big flop by the standard the first one set, and it confused the heck out of people. Here’s a handy tip for all your filmmakers out there:

• Ambiguous stuff going on where we don’t have to think too hard = good (Blair Witch 1)
• Ambiguous stuff going on where we need to pay attention to multiple layers of reality and look for visual clues = bad (Blair Witch 2)

At least when it comes to a mass audience. Remember those immortal words spoken by Agent Kay in Men in Black: “A *person* is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.” Blair Witch 2 probably caused full-scale riots when it came out, because of animals in the audience who were expecting first-person madness and got… a somewhat standard slasher pic? What the hell!?!?

And what is the book of shadows in this movie? I ask you. For shame.

Still, I happen to really like Blair Witch 2. Jeffrey Donovan is fabulous as the funny film-obsessed dude with a murky past (that’s not how I eat yogurt, but okay), all those other people are cool, and Erica Leerhsen is beyond attractive, existing in a magical realm of physical hottie-ness we ordinary humans can only glimpse from afar and dream about. Wowsers.

The film is actually a lot like your standard demonic possession film, with a lot of somewhat heavy-handed reality-as-it-is-individually-perceived-by-characters versus reality-as-it-is-captured-on-film intrigue thrown into the mix. The group possession angle also gets shafted by a drift into “who’s the real killer?”-land, and any tension about who survives is robbed by mixing in police interrogation sessions periodically during the action that clearly show who does and doesn’t make it.

Of course, since the film is presented as an interpretation of actual events, you can argue that all the supernatural hints and flashes didn’t really to the characters, because these are actors portraying the real people (leaving we the audience two layers removed from the “real” action, as it were. I think.). The whole film seems to be designed to piss you off one way or another, and it tries its best to succeed. Stupid movie. Rragh! Kyle smash!

But I still like it. I think Blair Witch 2 is one of those undiscovered cult gems that will really start to shine as years go by. I would never watch Blair Witch Project again; who would? But Blair Witch 2 has just enough kooky premise, strong performances, and haunting visuals to reward multiple viewings. And there are unanswered questions that persist when the credits end, and they’re the type you’ll want to think about and discuss among your more cultured film friends. What the hell is the book of shadows here? What would I do in their situation? Are tattoos too played anymore, or are they still hot on hot girls? Why in the world does the actor playing the actor playing the sheriff act like that? Why don’t I live in a cool faraway deserted warehouse loft thing?

Blair Witch 2 can either piss you off and ruin your Blair Witch fanaticism, or make you grin devilishly in pleasure at the twisted phanatical (new word alert!) film you just watched. It’s nothing like the first one, and if anything, it makes fun of you and your friends if you were one of those who went overly nuts about Blair Witch Project and did anything stupid as a result, including buying any Blair Witch Project merchandise (official or otherwise) and/or actually driving to Burkittsville and looking for the witch. If you’ve avoided the sequel because you hated the first film or because you didn’t want your opinion of the first film tarnished, enough time has passed that you can watch both without fear. Or, if you’re thinking about going camping somewhere remote and/or going on a tour with a group of strangers, well, see this movie first and then think about it. ‘Cause: damn.