“I didn’t know ath-e-letes had three syllables… thats ama-za-zaing.”

Justin’s Rating: It’s… safe!

Justin’s Review: The Benchwarmers is a solid little comedy that fulfills the purpose of producing mirth over the course of one viewing — but no more than that. That’s not a slamming condemnation of the film but a disappointment in what could have been so very much more, considering the presence of Jon Lovitz, David Spade and Jon Heder. With these guys I expect zany snark to the max, hula hoop-throwing Pygmy warriors jumping on a trampoline while singing the entire score of The Sound of Music-type stuff. When I get a movie that pleases, but pushes no further into thrillsville, I must shake my head and encourage them to do more.

It’s not exactly their fault, as the largest hurdle to overcome in The Benchwarmers is the starring role of a good-hearted baseball super-athlete played by… Rob Schneider? Seriously, Rob Schneider? Mr. Deuce Bigalow, Mr. The Animal, Mr. Sidekick to Adam Sandler and Judge Dredd? I’m all for actors trying to overcome typecasting, but Schneider’s put himself in too many goofy roles over the years to suddenly do a 180 and pretend he’s anything other than a bottom common denominator floozy. He’s the guy we are supposed to identify with the most and root for, but doing so makes one feel like you’ve spent all night eating contaminated burritos and are in dire need of a stomach pump.

Still, the premise here resonates with the unathletic geek in me. Three adult dweebs in various states of dweebdom — landscaper Gus (Schneider), video store clerk Richie (Spade), and nose-picking Clark (Heder) — are taunted into playing a group of Little League bullies in America’s Favorite Pasttime. With Schneider’s skill alone, they handily wipe the field of the sixth graders, and a glimmer of weird honor is restored to the undertrod nerds. That is, until they’re challenged to a rematch. Coming to their financial aid is Mel (Lovitz), a billionaire with a robot butler and his own tortured childhood. Mel establishes the trio as an official team called The Benchwarmers in an effort to strike back at the same kids who made his childhood terrible — as they are currently doing to his own son.

This all serves to remind me of the scene in Billy Madison, where grownup Billy gets way into a game of dodgeball with elementary school kids, and fails to see the age difference as a deterrent. Because they’re mean little snots, you understand.

The twisted humor in this setup divides the audience in half: either it appeals to you greatly, or you will just roll your eyes and spend the next 90 minutes jabbing the ribs of the person who made you see this. Heder and Spade both get a few chances to shine, but strangely not enough. Likewise, bit parts by Lovitz and Richie’s sun-fearing brother (Nick Swardson) are side-splitting, but limited in quantity. The remainder of the movie is tepid filler, grossout gags, and oddities the like which you might see at a circus sideshow.

Yeah, bullies suck, and rating your worth on a hierarchy of athletic talent is beyond the most pointless thing in the universe, so thumbs up to The Benchwarmers for making a quirky little blow at this injustice.

But still…

Still… could’ve been more, guys.