“My nipples are very sensitive.”

The Scoop: 1994 PG-13, directed by Ivan Reitman and starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito and Emma Thompson.

Tagline: Nothing is inconceivable

Summary Capsule: Arnold, due to circumstances that must end the world irrevocably, gets pregnant.

Justin’s rating: Powered by estrogen, emasculated by Reitman

Justin’s review: For the longest time, I really, really thought I dreamed up this movie. A little tickle at the back of my brain would cause me to ask random people, “Didn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger star in a movie where he gets pregnant?” And then comes the familiar edging away, nervous darting glances, and sighs of relief as a uniformed officer came into sight.

So I kept on thinking that it was just a bad dream I had, fueled by a pepperoni pizza overdose or something, until I took my wife on an anniversary trip to a bed and breakfast, and the owner had Junior in their movie library.

Note to self: it is not the most romantic thing for a woman to hear her husband say, “Hey, let’s watch Arnold get preggers!” and then follow through with it.

So. Yes. This is the Arnold-gets-pregnant film, which you probably can derive 100% of the plot and humor from the poster alone. So here it is:

See? That’s all you need to know. Arnold, vaguely surprised expression like a hedgehog just plunged down his throat and sporting a huge belly with none of the expected maternity clothes supporting it. Round that out with Danny DeVito looking like he’s a baby cannibal, and Emma Thompson solemnly contemplating the much more refined and honorable career she had previous and since.

This was one of the ultimate tragedies that was the Arnold Comedy Phase. For some reason – and I think we can all blame the somewhat successful buddy comedy Twins for this – Arnold assumed that a beefy action actor could suavely side-step into a comedic role. Perhaps he saw Bruce Willis doing the exact opposite, from Blind Date to Die Hard, and felt his ego challenged. In any case, potential smash hits were shelved for sad, pathetic efforts like Kindergarten Cop (“It’s not a tumor!”), Jingle All The Way, and Batman & Robin.

Yes, that last one was a comedy – a comedy of pain.

Smack in the middle of all this nonsense was 1994’s Junior, which Siskel and Ebert dumbfoundedly gave it two thumbs up. Up, people. Two thumbs up. This is why Mutant Reviewers made many, many shots at the pair early on in our career. To counter this, Mike Nelson (of MST3K) named it one of the five worst comedies ever made, which is why we love him so much that we’d gladly have his babies.

Anyway, the movie is takes the notion of Arnold pregnant and twists this and that and every which way to make it happen. Somehow, it involves DeVito (tasty babies are easier to make than steal, I suppose) and Schwarzenegger in cahoots to make men go through the agony of stretch marks and morning sickness and pushing a human the size of a small watermelon through… well, we won’t go there. That’s about it. Arnold gets pregnant and gets the girl and infant, and DeVito gets thrown in jail for attempted babycide.

As a little aside, reportedly Arnold Schwarzenegger prepared for his role by spending time in doctors’ waiting rooms to learn how pregnant women behaved. Because when you’re pregnant, going in for a checkup, and you waddle into your doctor’s to see Arnold Schwarzenegger sitting there with a little note pad, hawkishly watching all of the big bellied people sitting there, you’re really going to act naturally instead of breaking water immediately and fleeing for safety.

Intermission

• Out of all the films Ivan Reitman has made with Arnold Schwarzenegger, he has cited Junior (1994) as his favourite.

Groovy Quotes

Larry: You think you’re the first clown whoever woke up and said “I’m bored, I think I’ll have a kid!”?

Dr. Alex Hesse: [to Diana] Does my body disgust you?

Dr. Alex Hesse: My nipples are very sensitive.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Kindergarten Cop
• Twins