“Who’s your daddy? Father Christmas!”

The Scoop: 2005 R, directed by David Steiman and starring Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith and Emilie de Ravin.

Tagline: He’s making a list… pray you’re not on it.

Summary Capsule: Santa unleashes a thousand years of pent up frustrations (and probably some Mommy Issues)

Heather’s rating: 3 out of 4 Jewish actors having Christmas dinner together

Heather’s review: So in a weird, by proxy sort of way Drew’s responsible for my finding this little Christmas gem. A few days ago Drew’s review of Session 9 showed up on Mutant Reviewers. It is quite possibly one of my favorite movies and probably is my favorite creepy movie. Reading his review reminded me that I really needed to show Session 9 to hubby, who’s never seen it. My husband and I finally got around to the movie store last night so that we could rent it. For those of you who don’t know, the horror section is a dangerous place for me. I come staggering out of the aisle, arms full of 99 cent schlocky goodness.

When my eyes caught the title Santa’s Slay on the shelf my mind glazed over. Visions of Christmas carnage danced in my head. The Christmas slasher film is, for better or worse, a genre heretofore unexplored by yours truly. I don’t know if it was the vague resemblance to the movie being made in Ernest Saves Christmas, the seductive glow of the fluorescent lighting, or too much MSG at dinner, but this movie had me bristling with cult anticipation. When I saw that the movie starred none other than Bill WCW Goldberg the deal was sealed.

And on that note, after writing this review I’m going to have to perform a cleansing ritual on my browsing history and cookies for having visited billgoldberg.com. I was intrigued to see that there is an actual section of his site dedicated to his movie and TV appearances. I was further intrigued that this movie is the first one that comes up in the stills slideshow.

But I am avoiding talking about the actual movie, as I am wont to do. I love that word. Wont. Such a small word that sounds so intellectual. Wont.

Okay I’ll stop procrastinating and get to the plot recap, but Yule be sorry. AHAHA….*cough*

Alright already — just stop looking at me like that.

So as fundamentalist religious groups have shouted all along, Santa Claus is Satan. Satan’s son, specifically. Yes it seems that long ago Satan did spawn and December 25th was his progeny’s day to wreak havoc on the earth, called the Day of Slayings. Christians would gather in a church and hold a “mass of Christ” where they would pray for God’s protection. One year, for some reason, God ended up sending an angel to earth to… disguise himself as an old man. I’m not sure what the plan was there.

It just so happens Santa Satan Claus and his elf minions were messing around a fishing hole on a frozen lake when the angel (as an old man) came up and challenged him. They made a deal that whoever could slide a rock across the ice and make it closest to the fishing hole without it actually falling in was the winner. (This is evidence for my theory that curling, shuffleboard, and lawn bowling are of the devil. Those seniors are up to no good. Mark my words.) The stakes: If Santa Claus won, the old man’s soul would spend eternity in Hell. The old man countered that if Santa lost, he would be bound to a thousand years of merry making in the form of passing out gifts to children and that December 25th , instead of a Day of Slaying, would be a Day of Glee. Knowing that no mortal could match his mad curling skillz, Santa agreed.

As happens to all overly confident children of the underworld, Santa totally lost. Cut to one thousand years later, December 25th 2005. Santa’s free, baby, and all Hell Townships’ about to break loose. It’s up to Nicholas Yuleson, his “crazy” inventor grandfather, and Nick’s friend Mary to save the day!

Yes, friends, the movie is set in Hell Township. Just in case you’ve never been there yourself (like Justin and his band of miscreants), and missed on out all the delicious puns, this movie makes good and sure you get them crammed down your gullet at every available opportunity. It should be noted that they filmed Hell in Alberta, Canada. And I’m going to leave that as it stands. Next!

As a warning this movie is not for the easily offended. There are seemingly endless jabs at Christian and Jewish tradition, gory violence, topless dancers, and such a propensity for foul language that I was hard pressed to find any good, PG-13 quotes for this page. I was really looking more for “so bad it’s good”, but got “so bad it’s meh”. The movie doesn’t take itself too seriously (or even a little bit seriously), and sometimes it felt like it was trying WAY too hard to be stupid. I was disappointed, as I had hoped to find a movie that was actually going for some credibility. I prefer to laugh at my bad horror movies, not with them, thank you.

Even so I must admit something as atrocious as Santa’s Slay had some funny bits. Hubby and I both got cracked up at a scene in the stripper bar when Santa growled “eeww” and cleaned the pole that a stripper had just slid down before using it to kill the bar tenders. There were also some pretty inventive kills that would have Saw scratching his balding head. Not even garland is safe in the hands of this guy. Shockingly, some of these actors actually gave good performances. Emelie de Ravin, for example, was very likeable as Mary and Bill Goldberg is quite fitting as the twisted Satanic Santa.

Oh, movie! How did you know? Endless puns on Christmas carols, dialogue heavy with misplaced swearing, terrible one-liners? Just what I wanted for Christmas!

Okay so not really, but at least I got a culty Christmas review out of it.

Intermission!

• A Christmas tree topper can make an effective shuriken
• I’ve always said candy canes are a dangerous weapon. You know when you have one in your mouth until the end gets all pointy and pokes you in the tongue? That really hurts! Not to mention if someone used it to jab your eye out.
• Santa’s grossed out face as he almost grabbed the stripper pole.
• Laser pointers with the Star of David on them are useless against Satan, er…Santa. Good to know if you’re ever in a situation where he’s about to shove a menorah into your jugular.
• The gas station attendant of Hell is one of Little Nicky’s brothers. Heh.
• How many times they use the word “hell”.
• For once the corrupted religious figure isn’t Catholic.
• Thanks for the exposition, Santa!
• Nicholas Yuleson hates Christmas because he didn’t get the toys he wanted as a kid? Talk about the poster child for Capitalism.
• Fran Drescher, how I LOATHE you.
• The opening scene has Santa (Goldberg) slaughtering a family over their Christmas dinner. The main recognizable actors in this scene (Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, Goldberg, James Caan) are all Jewish.Goldberg married Wanda Ferraton, a stunt double he met while making this movie. They have a two-year old son together. Goldberg e is an animal rights activist who has addressed The United States Congress in order to raise awareness against illegal animal fighting. Also, he owns and operates an avocado ranch. That’s just amusing to imagine.

Groovy Quotes

Santa: Who’s your daddy? Father Christmas!Grandpa: If it’s the truth you want, it’s the scary truth you’re gonna have.

Santa: I’m just trying to spread a little yuletide fear.

Police office in the Jewish deli: Okay… something just isn’t kosher here.

Nicholas, after seeing the police captain in his Santa suit: Don ye know your gay apparel.

Mary: You hit like a girl.
Nicholas: You kiss like a guy.

Nicholas (while he and Mary run away from Santa): Maybe we should split up!
Mary: How cliché of you. Probably not!

Santa (while looking at a copy of A Christmas Carol): Christmas sure can scare the Dickens out of people.

Soundtrack Review

Some really, really, REALLY terrible Christmas-themed “rock” music. Don’t believe me? The end credits song goes “Bye-bye, Santa. Santa bye-bye. Bye-bye, Santa. I ain’t gonna cry. You killed my gramps and you’re tryin’ to kill me. I hope your sleigh goes down in the sea.”

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Jack Frost
• Silent Night, Deadly Night
• Gremlins