“Taste death, live life!”

The Scoop: 1990 PG, directed by Richard Correll and starring Roger Rose, Yvette Nipar and George Lopez

Tagline: They’re the patrol that’s out of control.

Summary Capsule: A goofy but heroic ski patrol must save their mentor’s resort lease from an unscrupulous business mogul and his ski school lackeys. Hijinx ensue.

Drew’s rating: It may have been released in January of ’90, but make no mistake- this is the definitive ’80s movie. Not the best, but certainly the most quintessential.

Drew’s review: Like most, I associate some movies strongly with certain people or times in my life. In the case of Ski School, that person is a friend of mine from elementary school, Jamie W. I don’t remember much about Jamie – he had red hair, he liked Double Dragon, he once had a sleepover where we put the first person to fall asleep’s hand in warm water. (I’d apologize, but I’m pretty sure I’d do the same thing today.) He once got a collection of Joker stories for his birthday and let me read it during recess; when I finished I put it next to his backpack and went out to play, and that was the last we ever saw of it. (Sorry, man.) But what I remember most about Jamie is the night we rented this movie. I was skeptical, but he swore I’d love it, and he was right — without exaggeration, I think we must have rewound the farting dog part at least twenty times. But I haven’t seen the film since around when I last saw Jamie, over a decade and a half ago, so I was curious to see how it holds up.

There’s a famous South Park episode that spoofs ’80s movies tropes, where the boys go skiing and Stan has to win a race against a rich douche to save the resort. I don’t know if Matt Stone and Trey Parker were specifically lampooning Ski Patrol, but they might as well have been. It’s uncanny that literally every single ’80s movie hallmark is in evidence; it’s like someone tossed them all in a blender, hit start, and then poured the contents out into a videocassette.

Just within the first five minutes we meet our wiseass hero Jerry; his smug blond rival Lance (of course he’s named Lance); a greedy land developer played by Martin Mull trying to swindle an old man out of business; Jerry’s wacky black sidekick “Iceman”; and the frat cabin where the ski patrol lives, parties, and fornicates. Before it’s over we’ll also bear witness to cross-dressing, dance numbers set to popular ’60s tunes, a talent show for bail money, an old lady falling face first into cake, and a dog that drinks beer and belches. Oh, and a younger George Lopez than you could ever imagine.

I should really just end the review right there. I just told you everything you need to know about this movie, because if you’ve watched more than six hours of TBS in your life, you’ve seen everything in it. But don’t necessarily take that as criticism — if, like me, you have an unnatural fondness for ’80s movies and their, er, unique brand of humorous shenanigans, you might really dig this film. It’s not quite as clever as some of its ilk and there are a few jokes that are truly groan-worthy, but there’s some pretty amusing stuff too… some of it’s even intentional. Perhaps the strangest inclusion is Suicide, a young stoner with multiple personalities (simpering dweeb Barry and belligerent metalhead Slaughter) who has gone so far as to create masks and even hand puppets of his alter egos, which he carries around everywhere he goes. It kind of has to be seen to be believed.

To be frank, if you didn’t see this movie as a kid, I doubt you’ll enjoy it as much as I do. That, combined with its unavailability on DVD, might make it not worth your effort to track down. But if it’s ever on TV or you have a chance to pick up a copy cheap (I hear it’s available to rent on XBox Live Marketplace), I’d take it. If nothing else, it’s a fascinating case study of that strange window of time we call “the 1980s” which future generations will no doubt unearth from time capsules and marvel over. I have no idea how to end this review, so I’m just going to stop in the middle of

Intermission!

• The supposed toughest run on the mountain, “Hole in the Wall,” is marked with a yellow square. On actual ski slopes, difficulty is denoted (easiest to hardest) by a green circle, blue square, black diamond, or double black diamond.
• The only ’80s cliche Ski Patrol is really missing is gratuitous nudity. There’s bikini models, but no one’s top accidentally gets ripped off. I guess by the end of the decade, filmmakers were becoming more family conscious.
• Pops is a little creepy in encouraging Jerry to keep trying to bed his (Pops’, that is) niece.
• Who are those people who always carry around sheets with numbers on them so they can rate anyone who does a cool trick?
• Is it just me, or is contact lens girl, y’know, cute but not that hot? Maybe it’s the ’80s hair.
• Holy balls, WHAT is the Brotislavian chick wearing? Are those lightning bolts and a checkered flag pattern? That sweater instantly confers -3 hotness. She’s damn lucky she has an exotic accent.
• Stanley, that is the whitest dancing I have ever seen, including in the mirror. Those people are clapping out of pity, not admiration.
• By law, all ’80s movies not actually starring Rodney Dangerfield must include someone doing an impression of him. Ski Patrol ups the ante with a multilingual version.
• Wow, for a PG movie, they get away with plenty of sight gags about people skidding down the mountain in suggestive positions. That’s a pretty explicit representation of what happens when you, um, are crafty with languages.
• The runaway ski-sail is hard to take seriously. Nice thing about skis, snowboards, etc. is that you can stop pretty easily by, you know, falling down.
• Pops, I’m pretty sure a confession coerced out of someone in mortal peril won’t really hold up.

Groovy Quotes

Stanley: For some reason I just can’t shoot the hole.
Jerry: Aw look, all you need is confidence, Stanley. You can do it.
Iceman: Yeah man, just relax, chill out. Y’see, shootin’ the hole is just like makin’ love.
Stanley: I never made love.
Jerry, Iceman: Good luck.

Suicide: Taste death, live life!

Tiana: You’re very special. To you I can talk, most American men interested only in sex.
Stanley: Oh, sex! Oh, I’m not interested in that. Well, I mean I am, but I wouldn’t… I mean, I would, but I don’t-
Tiana: Would you like to dance?

Ellen: Hey, idiot!
Suicide/Barry: You’re being paged.
Suicide/Slaughter: I’m no idiot!

Lance: How’d you get this?
Maris: Uh… little wallet-sized pictures of presidents.

Maris: I’m stuck in a ***damn runaway wienie!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Police Academy
• Ski School
• Any National Lampoon film made between the late ’70s and early ’90s